What If You're Not a Good Fit After the First Session?
That sinking feeling after a first therapy session, disappointment, doubt, maybe even dread about returning, is more common than you might think. As a Seattle therapist who prioritizes finding the right therapeutic match, I want to normalize your experience and help you navigate this crucial decision. Your instincts matter, and finding the right fit is essential for successful therapy.
Understanding First Session Dynamics
Normal First Session Experiences
It's completely normal to feel:
Nervous or anxious
Uncertain about opening up
Exhausted afterward
Unsure about the therapist
Overwhelmed by the process
Relief mixed with doubt
First sessions are inherently awkward—two strangers discussing intimate details within professional boundaries.
What Makes a Good First Session
Despite normal awkwardness, positive indicators include:
Feeling heard and understood
Sense of safety (even if nervous)
Therapist remembers important details
Clear explanation of approach
Some hope or curiosity
Respect for your pace
You don't need to feel instantly comfortable, but you should feel basically respected and safe.
Recognizing Poor Fit
Immediate Red Flags
Trust your gut if you experience:
Boundary Issues
Oversharing about their life
Inappropriate comments
Pushing physical contact
Casual about confidentiality
Friend-like versus professional
Clinical Concerns
Didn't listen well
Misunderstood key points
Seemed to have agenda
One-size-fits-all approach
No treatment discussion
Interpersonal Mismatch
Felt judged or criticized
Cultural insensitivity
Dismissed your concerns
Power dynamics uncomfortable
Personality clash
Practical Problems
Chronic lateness
Constant interruptions
Disorganized approach
Different goals
Communication style mismatch
Subtler Incompatibilities
Sometimes it's less obvious:
Energy doesn't match
Approach feels wrong
Missing something indefinable
Not actively harmful but not helpful
Competent but not connecting
These matter too. Therapy works best with good chemistry.
The Difference Between Fit and Resistance
When It's Poor Fit:
Concerns persist after reflection
Specific, identifiable issues
Feel worse about therapy itself
Don't trust their competence
Dread returning
When It Might Be Resistance:
Scared of vulnerability with anyone
History of leaving when challenged
Therapist gently named patterns
Feel seen in uncomfortable ways
Part of you knows they're right
Sometimes both exist simultaneously—poor fit AND resistance.
What to Do After an Uncertain First Session
Option 1: Give It Another Session
Consider returning if:
No major red flags
Some positive elements
Normal first-session nerves
Willing to explore further
They seemed competent
Second sessions often feel different once initial anxiety settles.
Option 2: Discuss Your Concerns
Try saying:
"I'm feeling uncertain about fit"
"I noticed I felt [specific feeling] when..."
"I'm wondering if we could adjust..."
"I need to process our first session"
How they respond tells you everything about whether to continue.
Option 3: Don't Return
It's okay to not go back if:
Clear red flags present
Strong gut feeling against
Better options available
Don't feel safe
No obligation exists
You don't owe anyone a second session.
How to Communicate Your Decision
If Discussing in Person:
Script for Concerns: "I want to be honest about some concerns from our first session. [Specific issue]. Can we talk about whether this is workable?"
Script for Leaving: "After reflection, I don't think we're the right therapeutic fit. I appreciate your time and wish you well."
If Communicating by Phone/Email:
Email Template: "Dear [Name],
Thank you for meeting with me on [date]. After reflection, I've decided to pursue a different therapeutic direction. I appreciate your time and professionalism.
Best regards, [Your name]"
If Not Communicating:
You can simply:
Not schedule another appointment
Cancel existing appointment
No explanation required
Your well-being comes first
Learning from the Experience
Each "misfit" teaches valuable information:
What Didn't Work?
Too directive/not directive enough?
Wrong theoretical approach?
Personality mismatch?
Specialization issues?
Practical concerns?
What Do You Need Instead?
Different gender/age/background?
Specific training or approach?
Different communication style?
More/less structure?
Different energy?
Finding Better Fit
Refine Your Search
Use what you learned:
Screen more carefully
Ask specific questions
Trust initial impressions
Consider multiple consultations
Prioritize your needs
Questions for Next Therapist
"How do you typically work with [your issue]?"
"What's your communication style?"
"How do you handle feedback?"
"What if we're not a good fit?"
"What should I expect?"
My Approach to Fit
Extended Consultation
Understanding fit importance:
30-minute free consultation
Discuss your needs thoroughly
Explain my approach clearly
Answer all questions
Mutual assessment
First Session Framework
Clear agenda but flexible
Check in about comfort
Explain what I'm noticing
Invite your feedback
Discuss next steps
Ongoing Fit Assessment
Regular check-ins about relationship
Open to adjustment
Welcome honest feedback
Will refer if better fit exists
Your needs prioritized
Common Scenarios and Solutions
"They Were Nice But..."
Nice isn't enough. You need:
Clinical competence
Relevant expertise
Good chemistry
Feeling understood
Hope for progress
"I Feel Guilty Leaving"
Remember:
This is professional service
Your healing matters most
They have other clients
Good therapists understand
Guilt doesn't mean stay
"What If I'm Too Picky?"
Consider:
High standards are appropriate
Your intuition matters
Better to wait for right fit
Previous bad experiences inform
Picky protects you
"Maybe It's Just Me"
If multiple therapists don't fit:
Could be resistance
Might need different approach
Consider what pattern exists
Still deserve good fit
Both things possible
The Value of Right Fit
Good therapeutic fit correlates with:
Better outcomes
Faster progress
Lower dropout rates
Greater satisfaction
Lasting change
Your pickiness serves your healing.
Trust Your Instincts
Your gut feelings about fit are data:
Your body knows
Your intuition is valid
Past experiences inform
You know what you need
Trust yourself
If We're Not a Good Fit
I respect that fit is crucial. If after our consultation or first session you don't feel we're right for each other:
No hard feelings
Happy to refer out
Support your decision
Want what's best for you
Celebrate your self-advocacy
Finding Your Right Match
The right therapist is out there. They'll:
Feel safe enough
Understand your needs
Respect your pace
Bring relevant expertise
Inspire some hope
Don't settle for less than good fit.
Next Steps
Whether with me or another therapist:
Honor what you've learned
Trust your instincts
Keep searching if needed
Communicate your needs
Believe fit exists
Your healing deserves the right therapeutic relationship. Take the time to find it.
