Supporting a Loved One with BPD
Loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder can feel like navigating an emotional minefield. As a Seattle therapist specializing in BPD, I often work with family members who feel helpless, exhausted, and desperate to help but unsure how. This guide provides practical strategies for supporting your loved one while maintaining your own wellbeing.
Understanding What Your Loved One Experiences
The Internal World of BPD
Emotional Intensity Imagine:
Emotions at 200% volume
No emotional "dimmer switch"
Joy as intense as agony
Rapid shifts without warning
Physical pain from emotions
Your loved one isn't being dramatic—they're drowning in feelings.
Fear of Abandonment
Constantly scanning for rejection
Misreading neutral cues as negative
Preemptive rejection to avoid pain
Desperate attempts to prevent leaving
Terror that feels life-threatening
Identity Confusion
Not knowing who they are
Values shifting with relationships
Feeling empty inside
Desperate for identity anchors
Chameleon-like adaptations
Splitting
All-good or all-bad thinking
No middle ground
Rapid shifts in perception
Unable to hold complexity
Protection from disappointment
Understanding these experiences builds compassion.
What Helps: Effective Support Strategies
Validation Without Enabling
Validate the Emotion, Not the Behavior
"I see you're in terrible pain" ✓
"Your feelings make sense given what you're experiencing" ✓
"It's okay to hurt yourself when upset" ✗
"Everyone would react this way" ✗
Examples:
Loved one: "You hate me!"
Unhelpful: "That's ridiculous, I love you"
Helpful: "You're feeling unloved right now. That must hurt terribly."
Consistency Is Medicine
Be Predictable
Keep promises religiously
Maintain regular contact
Announce changes early
Follow through always
Explain unavailability
Inconsistency triggers abandonment fears.
Set and Maintain Boundaries
Clear, specific limits
Consequences stated ahead
Follow through calmly
No punishment energy
Boundaries aren't rejection
Example: "I care about you AND I won't respond to texts after 10pm. We can talk the next day."
Communication Strategies
Use "AND" Not "BUT"
"I love you AND I need space"
"You're important AND I have other commitments"
"I hear you AND I disagree"
"But" invalidates everything before it.
Be Direct and Clear
No hints or implications
State needs explicitly
Avoid ambiguous messages
Repeat important points
Write things down
Avoid JADEing Don't:
Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain
Simply state your boundary and stick to it.
What Doesn't Help: Common Mistakes
Taking Responsibility for Their Emotions
You Cannot:
Make them happy
Prevent all triggers
Fix their pain
Be their only support
Sacrifice yourself
You Can:
Be consistent
Show care
Support treatment
Model healthy behavior
Maintain boundaries
Walking on Eggshells
Avoiding all conflict:
Increases their anxiety
Prevents reality testing
Enables dysfunction
Exhausts you
Delays growth
Honest, kind interaction is better than fearful tiptoeing.
Becoming Their Therapist
Stay in Your Lane
Don't analyze their behavior
Avoid diagnostic language
Skip the psychoeducation
No therapeutic interventions
Remain their loved one
Support their therapy; don't provide it.
Crisis Management
When They're Splitting on You
If You're "All Bad" Today:
Don't take it personally
Avoid defending yourself
Give brief responses
Maintain boundaries
Wait for shift
"I hear you're angry with me. I'll check in tomorrow."
Self-Harm Threats/Behaviors
Dos:
Take seriously but stay calm
Ask directly about safety
Encourage coping skills
Contact their therapist if agreed
Call 988 if imminent danger
Don'ts:
Panic or show extreme distress
Give ultimatums
Become responsible for prevention
Enable through excessive response
Ignore genuine risk
During Emotional Storms
TIPP for Them (and You):
Temperature: Cold water, ice
Intense Exercise: Jumping jacks
Paced Breathing: 4-7-8 pattern
Paired Muscle Relaxation
Model these skills yourself.
Supporting Their Treatment
Encourage Without Forcing
Helpful:
"I notice therapy helps you"
"I'm proud of you for going"
"What can I do to support?"
Offering practical help (rides)
Unhelpful:
"You have to go to therapy"
"You're not trying hard enough"
Threatening consequences
Making it about you
Learn About Their Treatment
Ask Permission First:
"Can you share what skills you're learning?"
"How can I support your DBT practice?"
"What should I know about your therapy?"
Respect Their Privacy:
Don't demand details
Accept "I don't want to talk about it"
Support without prying
Trust the process
Family Involvement
When Appropriate:
Family sessions for communication
Learning DBT skills yourself
Understanding treatment approach
Coordinating support
My Approach Includes:
Family consultation options
Resource recommendations
Communication coaching
Boundary setting support
Protecting Yourself
Your Wellbeing Matters
Essential Self-Care:
Your own therapy
Support groups
Regular breaks
Other relationships
Activities you enjoy
You can't pour from an empty cup.
Setting Limits
Okay to Say:
"I need time to think"
"I can talk for 20 minutes"
"I won't discuss this while you're yelling"
"I love you and need space"
"That doesn't work for me"
When to Step Back
Consider Distance If:
Your mental health deteriorating
Enabling getting worse
Abuse occurring
No effort toward treatment
Your life consumed
Love doesn't require self-destruction.
Common Family Patterns to Avoid
The Rescuer
Solving all problems
Preventing consequences
Living their life
Neglecting yourself
Creating dependence
The Avoider
Complete withdrawal
Ignoring their existence
Refusing all contact
Pretending no problem
Abandoning them
The Fighter
Constant arguments
Logic battles
Proving them wrong
Demanding change
Creating more chaos
Hope for Families
Recovery Changes Everything
When your loved one gets treatment:
Relationships improve dramatically
Communication becomes possible
Trust slowly rebuilds
Love feels safer
Family healing happens
I've seen families transform from chaos to connection.
Your Role in Recovery
You Can:
Model healthy behavior
Maintain hope
Celebrate small wins
Stay consistent
Believe in possibility
You Cannot:
Force their healing
Do the work for them
Make them want recovery
Speed the process
Control outcomes
Resources for Families
Support Options
NAMI Family Support Groups
DBT Family Skills Groups
Individual therapy for you
Online communities (with caution)
Books: "Stop Walking on Eggshells"
When to Seek Help
You're experiencing depression/anxiety
Relationship becoming abusive
Unsure how to respond
Need boundary support
Want communication tools
Working Together
While I primarily treat individuals with BPD, I also:
Offer family consultation
Provide resource guidance
Support system coordination
Communication strategies
Hope and education
Your Love Matters
Remember:
Your loved one has a treatable condition
Your support makes a difference
Boundaries are loving
Your wellbeing is essential
Recovery is possible
The journey is challenging, but families can heal together.
