Positive and Negative Feelings About Your Therapist
If you're experiencing strong feelings toward me, whether positive or negative, you're not alone, and you're not doing therapy "wrong." In fact, these feelings often signal that deep, important work is happening. As a Seattle therapist trained in psychodynamic and relational approaches, I see these reactions as valuable opportunities for healing. Let me normalize this experience and explain how we can use these feelings therapeutically.
Understanding Transference
What Is Transference?
Transference occurs when feelings from past relationships get directed toward your therapist:
Common Examples:
Seeing me as a critical parent
Feeling like I'm your best friend
Experiencing romantic attraction
Feeling competitive or rivalrous
Wanting my approval desperately
Fearing my judgment intensely
These feelings often have little to do with who I actually am and everything to do with your relational history.
Why It Happens
The Therapeutic Relationship Is Unique:
One-sided intimate sharing
Consistent availability
Unconditional positive regard
Power differential
Caretaking dynamic
This unusual setup naturally evokes early relationship patterns.
Your Psyche Is Wise: By recreating old dynamics, you're:
Attempting to heal wounds
Seeking corrective experiences
Working through unfinished business
Testing new ways of relating
Revealing core patterns
Common Positive Feelings
Idealization
You might experience:
Thinking I'm the best therapist ever
Believing only I can help you
Wanting to be like me
Feeling I understand you completely
Seeing me as having no flaws
What This Might Mean:
Longing for perfect caretaker
Early attachment needs
Hope for rescue
Projection of ideal parent
Desire for merger/connection
Romantic or Sexual Feelings
More common than discussed:
Crushes or attraction
Sexual fantasies
Romantic daydreams
Jealousy of other clients
Desire for special relationship
Understanding These Feelings:
Often about intimacy needs
Safety creating openness
Confusion of caring with romance
Projection of desired partner
Normal response to being seen/heard
Dependency
Feeling like you:
Can't make decisions without me
Need sessions to function
Think about me constantly
Feel lost between sessions
Want more and more contact
What's Underneath:
Unmet developmental needs
Fear of abandonment
Difficulty self-soothing
Lack of internal resources
Attachment wounds
Common Negative Feelings
Anger and Frustration
You might feel:
I don't understand you
I'm not helping enough
I'm judging you
I'm withholding
I've disappointed you
Possible Meanings:
Testing if I can handle emotions
Recreating familiar dynamics
Displaced anger from past
Fear of vulnerability
Protection against closeness
Disappointment
Experiencing:
I'm not who you thought
Sessions aren't magical
Progress too slow
Unmet expectations
Feeling let down
What This Reveals:
Unrealistic rescue fantasies
Pattern of idealization/devaluation
Fear of taking responsibility
Past disappointments
Need for perfection
Fear and Mistrust
Worrying that I:
Will abandon you
Am secretly judging
Will use information against you
Don't really care
Will hurt you
Understanding the Fear:
Past betrayals activated
Vulnerability feels dangerous
Testing my reliability
Projection of critical figures
Self-protection mechanism
How I Work with These Feelings
Creating Safety to Explore
Normalizing the Experience
These feelings are common
Nothing to be ashamed of
Valuable therapeutic material
Sign of deepening work
Opportunity for growth
Non-Judgmental Exploration
Curiosity not criticism
Understanding not pathologizing
Acceptance of all feelings
Professional boundaries maintained
Focus on meaning and healing
Using Feelings Therapeutically
Making the Implicit Explicit We might explore:
When you first noticed feelings
What triggered them
Who I remind you of
Historical parallels
What you need from me
Learning About Patterns Your feelings toward me reveal:
How you attach to others
Relationship expectations
Defensive strategies
Core wounds
Healing needs
When to Share These Feelings
Signs It's Time to Discuss
Feelings Are:
Interfering with therapy
Preoccupying you
Creating shame
Affecting attendance
Blocking honesty
You're:
Curious about them
Ready to explore
Trusting enough
Wanting deeper work
Noticing patterns
How to Bring It Up
Direct Approaches:
"I've been having feelings about you..."
"I notice I really want your approval"
"I'm aware of feeling angry after sessions"
"This is hard to say, but..."
"I think I'm experiencing transference"
Indirect Openings:
"I had a dream about therapy"
"I've been thinking about our relationship"
"Something feels different lately"
"I'm noticing patterns with authority"
"Relationships feel complicated"
Common Fears About Sharing
"You'll Terminate Me"
I won't end therapy because of your feelings:
They're part of the work
I'm trained for this
Professional ethics guide me
Your healing matters most
Boundaries protect us both
"You'll Be Disgusted/Angry"
My actual response:
Gratitude for your trust
Curiosity about meaning
Maintenance of boundaries
Professional compassion
Commitment to helping
"It Will Ruin Everything"
Actually, discussing feelings often:
Deepens the work
Accelerates healing
Strengthens relationship
Increases authenticity
Resolves stuck places
My Boundaries and Ethics
What I Provide
Professional Response:
Clear boundaries
Consistent availability (within limits)
Genuine caring
Non-exploitation
Therapeutic use of relationship
What I Don't Provide:
Reciprocal personal sharing
Friendship outside therapy
Romantic involvement
Special treatment
Boundary crossings
Why Boundaries Matter
They create:
Safety for exploration
Container for feelings
Professional integrity
Healing framework
Trust foundation
The Healing Potential
Corrective Experiences
Through our relationship:
Experience consistent care
Learn healthy boundaries
Practice direct communication
Feel seen without exploitation
Develop secure attachment
Integration and Growth
Working with these feelings helps:
Understand relationship patterns
Heal attachment wounds
Develop emotional vocabulary
Build self-awareness
Create healthier relationships
Remember
Your feelings toward me, whatever they are, are:
Normal parts of deep therapy
Not shameful or wrong
Valuable information
Opportunities for healing
Welcome in our work
I'm here to help you understand and work with these feelings, not judge or reject them.
